extreme makeover- plumbing edition

looking for some advice on home repairs? you've come to the right place! here the first in what may be yet another recurring series: a little how-to based on some real-life experience. this one's fresh- just from last night!

how to repair your leaky outdoor faucet (also called a sillcock- *snicker*):

1. when playing outside with your kids, if you notice the sillcock is leaking, check to see if the knob just needs tightening. when the knob begins to turn freely in all directions and the water begins to run faster, you've confirmed a leaky sillcock.
2. shut off the water to the house. be aware that once this is done, all children in the home will immediately crave water as if they had been travelling in the sahara for 3 weeks.
3. remove the knob from the sillcock, exposing the pipe and the long rod within it that connects to the thingy inside that turns the water on and off. remove this rod.
   
4. take rod to lowe's and ask for replacement. when advised that among the 5 bazillion things they sell there, sillcock parts are not any of them and only entire sillcock mechanisms are available, head to home depot.
   
5. show rod to attendant at home depot and learn that rod you removed is not supposed to come out of the pipe, and that entire pipe/rod/spigot mechanism will need to be replaced. unfortunately, said part is not available at home depot.
   
6. head back to lowe's and purchase part. return home.
   
7. find spot inside basement where sillcock pipe comes in and fastens to copper piping. attempt to loosen nut on sillcock pipe, then inspect closely and realize that copper pipe is soldered into sillcock pipe and nut is really just there for show.
   
8. cut copper pipe with broken hacksaw blade, freeing old sillcock pipe. remove old sillcock from outside home, breaking as little of surrounding stucco as possible. (save large chunks of stucco which can be crazy glued back on later.)
   
9. go back to lowe's to purchase fitting for end of exposed copper pipe that will allow sillcock pipe to be screwed in.
10. head to home depot after finding out that lowe's does not sell said fitting. purchase fitting, and return home.
    
11. slide new sillcock in from outside, then screw copper fitting onto end that is now inside the house. be sure to tighten as much as possible, despite the fact that the space you're working in could barely fit a moon pie much less two pipe wrenches and your hands.
12. affix other end of fitting to exposed copper pipe.
13. turn on main water line to house. watch as water drips from screwed in portion of fitting.
14. disregard bloodied knuckles and further tighten fitting with pipe wrenches.
15. dry fitting with towel and watch closely for length of time that it takes to finish one beer (at this point, 4 minutes).
16. no water? congratulations- you're done! (in case of continued dripping, repeat steps 14-15, including beer.)